Disengage An Argument By Correcting The Process Not The Content
Responsibility and kids are two words that are impossible to use at the same time in one sentence. Perhaps it is part of nature’s attempt to be funny, but responsibility simply does not work with any child, at least not right away. That is why when a child does something wrong, it is a one in a million chance that he will actually admit what he did and embrace all the accountability all to himself.
Your child might admit that he is wrong, but you will often hear him say, “Yes I was wrong, but” and supplement their apology with an excuse. “I’m sorry but you hit me first.” “I’m sorry but I saw that card before you did.” “I’m sorry but that’s my favorite toy.” “I’m sorry I pinched your arm, but you were annoying me.” “I’m sorry I broke the vase, but it was in the way and I did not see it.”
When your child tells you these things, he is actually apologizing with a condition – “I’m sorry but it is not really my fault.” You have to be very careful not to let your child form the habit of making excuses for his actions. When your kid does not learn to own up to his mistakes, he is not learning how to take responsibility for his behavior. When he fails to learn to take responsibility, no matter what you do, he will not be able to change and correct his behavior.
Actually, children learn to make excuses for their mistakes the moment their parents ask them, “Why did you do it?” This question demands an answer, and what the child thinks is to think of something that will free him from a possible punishment. That is why when you ask your son why he punched his sister, saying “she asked for it” becomes the quickest and the easiest way to get out of a possible consequence.
The moment your child has learned how powerful making excuses are, he will try to use that whenever he can. It usually starts at a young age and with harmless excuses, but as children get older, they will begin to upgrade into much bigger excuses in order to avoid being held accountable for unacceptable behavior. And without accountability, real change in behavior is impossible to achieve.
When your child tells you, “I’m sorry I kicked her doll, but it was getting in my way”, challenge your child’s thinking right there and then. Although apologizing or saying sorry is a good thing, it becomes meaningless when followed by an excuse. Do not argue with your child about his excuse, instead correct him by telling him that making an excuse will not free him from the consequences.
So when your child tells you that you made him angry that is why he banged the door, tell him “Regardless if I made you angry, it is not an excuse to be rude to me like that.
Looking for parenting advice? We highly recommend The Total Transformation Program for parents dealing with Obnoxious Children. Check on the link for more information.