Parenting Advice: What if My Child Won’t Go to School?
“How do I get my nine-year-old daughter to school? She seems to have tummy aches or headaches constantly, and misses several days of school each week. Any suggestion that she must go and she screams and cries and seems to be genuinely afraid of going to school. What can we do?”
You need to be firm with her. Don’t count on the problem going away if you ignore it. She could end up not ever going back.
Still, you need to realize that her feelings are real. Showing anger won’t help either of you.
You need to find out what is troubling her. It could be school phobia ( a fear of school), separation anxiety (fear of leaving you or the home) or agoraphobia (fear of crowds and public places). These are all very real disorders.
If it might be the first, check if she is being bullied, teased, embarrassed, or abused at, or on the way to, school. Work closely with the teachers to identify and deal with any problematic situations.
Make a doctor appointment for a complete examination. Explain the whole situation to him so he can look for serious illness.
Once the doctor has done this, believe him! Do not chase after ever more expensive tests. From this point onwards your assumption is that the child is well and so should be in school. Give her firm and confident reassurance that both she and you will be fine when she is there. If she complains again of being unwell you then have two options:
Option one is to tell her she has to go to school. Of course if she shows symptoms of real illness, you would keep her home. Simply “not feeling good” isn’t a good enough reason not to go. Adults go to work with headaches and other fairly minor ailments.
The second option is to take her word for it and act accordingly. Since she is ill, she should be in bed. Turn off her lights, close the curtains, and don’t allow any TV or special snacks. Just go about your daily routine and don’t give her any attention. Make sure that being at home is as boring as can be. If she can’t sleep, then she should work on her studies. Don’t allow any visitors.
Along with this, set up clear incentives (rewards, privileges) for getting to school.
Be firm and remain calm. Let her know that you expect her to go to school, but don’t argue with her if she resists. The goal her is for her to want to go back to school. Once she goes and finds out that she’s fine, her previous symptoms should disappear.
If none of this works, or if you are concerned about a serious depression or anxiety disorder, seek professional help through your family doctor.
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